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  • Writer's pictureBrand Baha

How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse with Office Supplies (ONLY)

Cubicle Chronicles... There I was, stuck in my cubicle fortress, surrounded by half-dead plants and a mountain of paperwork, dreaming about the weekend. Little did I know, the real "deadline" was about to shamble through the office doors. Zombies. In the middle of my third coffee run of the morning, no less. Typical Monday.

Office worker in a cubicle fortress with paperwork and dying plants, looking surprised as zombies enter the office.
Office worker in a cubicle fortress with paperwork and dying plants, looking surprised as zombies enter the office.

Act 1: The Realization

As I sipped my lukewarm coffee, I noticed Kevin from accounting lurching towards me. "Late night, Kevin?" I joked. No laugh. But when he tried to bite me instead of replying with his usual groan about quarterly reports, I knew something was off. Plus, his arm fell off. Definitely not the usual Monday.


Startled office worker with coffee noticing a zombie coworker attempting to bite him in the office kitchen.
Startled office worker with coffee noticing a zombie coworker attempting to bite him in the office kitchen.

Act 2: Armament

Armed only with my wit and surrounded by office supplies, it was time to MacGyver my way out of this.

  • Stapler Sling-Shots: First, I grabbed my trusty stapler, loaded it with a rubber band, and aimed for the zombies. Turns out, a stapler can really leave a mark, especially when it's your last line of defense.

  • Keyboard Nunchucks: I ripped out the cord of my keyboard, swinging it around like a madman. Take that, Karen from HR! Not so passive-aggressive now, are we?

Highlighter Flares: I threw highlighters like darts, aiming for the eyes. Who knew office supplies could be so... vibrant in combat?


Office worker crafting weapons from supplies like staplers and letter openers on a desk for zombie defense.
Office worker crafting weapons from supplies like staplers and letter openers on a desk for zombie defense.


Act 3: Defense Tactics

  • Desk Barricade: I flipped my desk on its side, creating a makeshift barricade. Take that, workplace ergonomics!

  • Swivel Chair Spin Attack: I used my chair as a spinning defense mechanism. Turns out, office chairs can do more than just roll away when you try to sit down.

Post-It Note Camouflage: Covered in sticky notes, I blended into the wall of motivational quotes. Zombies walked right past me, utterly confused by the "Hang in There" cat poster.


Worker using office furniture and supplies to create a humorous barricade against zombies.
Worker using office furniture and supplies to create a humorous barricade against zombies.

Act 4: The Great Escape

Realizing I couldn't stay hidden behind my paper fortress forever, I crafted my master plan:

  • Zip-Line to Freedom: I tied Ethernet cables together, securing one end to the photocopier and the other to the building across the street. With a leap of faith and a prayer to the Wi-Fi gods, I zipped across, leaving the zombies bewildered and network disconnected.

Person escaping zombies by ziplining with Ethernet cables from one building to another, holding an office plant.
Person escaping zombies by ziplining with Ethernet cables from one building to another, holding an office plant.


Epilogue:

As I landed safely, clutching a stolen office plant for comfort, I looked back at the chaos.

My heart raced, not from fear, but from the adrenaline of escaping certain doom with nothing but office supplies.

Who knew the skills honed from battling paper jams and assembling flat-pack furniture would save me during the apocalypse? Monday mornings will never be the same again.

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